For the people that may read this who aren’t familiar with who I am, let me sum up as best as I can without droning on and on.
I’m a 31 year old Compliance Manager at a large credit card processing company in the Midwest. I am in a relationship with an extremely kind, loving, compassionate, understanding, hilarious, fabulous man. He is everything I didn’t know I wanted in a partner. He balances me in a way that I did not know was possible. He challenges me to be better and he says I do the same for him. I’m an active member of AA, and have been sober for about 5.5 years. I’m actively in eating disorder recovery, and have been for just over a year. I sing in a women’s choir directed by my exceptionally talented older brother, who runs a large non-profit organization in the area, while also working at a church and a college. I have an amazing group of friends, with three or four that I consider to be very close with. Overall my life is very good, and I am very fortunate.
Andrew and I had not been together for very long when we found out we were pregnant. 8 months, to be exact. We found out very early also, approximately 3.5 weeks along. A lot of fear came with that little ‘yes’ on the test. Many questions and what-if scenarios played through my mind, and still do. Lots of online research led to some relief but mostly led to more fear and more questions. The unknown is scary, but knowing so many facets of what *could* happen isn’t necessarily better, in my experience. Sometimes I think it is better to just have my own experience.
While I can honestly say I am somewhat excited about what’s coming, I am also terrified and apprehensive and nervous and anxious. What if I’m not cut out to be a mom? What if I’m too selfish? Will Andrew and I make it? How am I going to raise a polite, respectful boy? What if I fail?
This is just a place for me to vent. To get out the things that no one wants to talk about. To identify the struggles that I’m dealing with and hopefully let them go. The only people that I feel like I can talk with about all of the feelings that I have about pregnancy get paid to listen to me. So, I just wondered if maybe there were other people who related with the things I struggle with. Maybe not. But maybe.